Advice on dating a recovering alcoholic
) Because of the chaos always about to strike in our households, we’ve always got one hand on our sword.
Even if we look relaxed, even if we appear to be laughing without a care in the world, we’re still ready to steel ourselves against the attack of a drunken parent’s words upon returning home–or for you to turn on us (again, we don’t really think you will, but we were raised to expect it).
We had, and many of us still have, a lot more cortisol (the stress chemical) running through our bodies as children than all other kids.
Kids who were raised in consistent environments could relax and enjoy their childhoods because people behaved in predictable ways.
I consider an “adult child” someone who was raised by child-like parents, insecure, needy, narcissistic parents; parents who were unable to assist their children in forming their own, independent sense of self during childhood.
Rather than nurturing their child’s sense of self, these parents used their child to attempt to uplift their own vulnerable ego. Ideally, every baby born into this world is surrounded by unselfish, patient love and nurturing from at least one or two parents.
Just like anyone (adult child, or not), if someone has issues that are unresolved, the relationship will be used, in some fashion, to process the issues.
That will often result in a short-lived relationship, but not always.
As the years go on, the baby raised in a stressful, inconsistent home environment develops a battle-ready Fight or Flight response, does not develop the natural ability to trust, and thrives on chaos simply because it’s so familiar.It’s because we grew up in such unstable, inconsistent environments–we were, essentially, trained not to trust.(Years ago, my father yelled at me, “There is no safety in the world, and no one deserves safety from this world.”) If you were to evaluate us based solely on our upbringing, you’d come to the conclusion that we were raised for battle–to be on-edge and ‘ready’ at all times for chaos to break.” you may get some information you need, but I’m not sure it will make your hard, important decision that much easier.(A good rule of thumb, by the way, is to set a time-limit on your decision; put your decision to end your relationship on hold for 2 weeks, 2 months, 6 months, etc. This will help you know for sure, and prevent you from making a decision you’ll regret.